Gone but never forgotten:

It's been 15. Fifteen days since our worlds were shaken; twisted upside down and frozen that way. I'm not sure the shock of it all has worn off for most of us or not. Personally for me, it has not. I'm still trying to process it all. I guess that Friday morning stirred up more deep questions inside then I bargained for; then I could have ever even imagined. I haven't even been able to process them or touch them with more then, "why?" It's all been a whirlwind. Different then the last but the heartbreak the same. Suffocating, overwhelming, devastating. Brokenness again, so soon? Could my heart handle this but with insanely more stress this time around? As I raw ugly sobbed face down begging God to tell me why, to show me why this had to happen again within five months of her. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was extremely angry right off the bat. This grieving cycle has been one not that I have truly been through. I have lost my own and dealt my own. Together as one, we lost him, his own. I didn't know how to do that. It's like when we got there and the words "I'm sorry" rolled out,  my brain just collapsed. I couldn't think. My heart burned and sunk into my stomach and turned to lead. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything but try to hold it all in. I wanted to scream a few choice words, to cry out loud and let the desperate ache of the new heartbreak shake my core.


It's been 64. Sixty-Four days since part of our hearts stopped beating. Since the memories have become fonder and more tender in our heads. Since our souls have continually searched for answers to end the longing and aching of our hearts and heads. My brain hasn't stopped spinning. The thoughts have only been silenced by the overwhelming financial burden on our shoulders. One wave after another. I'm slowly learning how to surf.. Testing the waters more each day. Just when I think I can stand up on the board a storm rolls in. The wind picks up. I come crashing down. Terrified I'll sink. Sometimes I choke on the water and it burns, it hurts, I fear I'll drown. I cling to the board with all I have for as long as I can until the storm has passed and I crawl back up and lay down for a while. I feel as if those 64 days are a lie. I can not for the life of me figure out how that much time, minutes and hours have gone by since you have left us. It feel like it has only been a week. It feels like it's been a year. My brain is still foggy. One day at a time.

I cut my hair off 6 months ago:

I was tired of many things that come with long hair. I mean if Matthew rolled over on it in bed I was trapped and that was never fun, haha. I am most definitely ready for length again, but my thyroid says otherwise. Blah. 

Well it has definitely been a hot minute since I've said much on here.

Here's hoping to blogging more in the future. It's also nice to have a computer again.. the last one may have been crushed behind the drivers seat in the midst of a fast driver swap out last time I was in North Dakota. *sigh* I should have remembered and said something! But there were far more mind consuming things happening at the moment. Maybe I'll post about that at some later point. Maybe I won't because it's still such a sore subject. I am looking forward to Morel season here in Iowa! I can't stand ticks but I love mushroom hunting. How I went so long without it in my life has me boggled. Anywho, check back for updates.

In need of a moment of soul restoration a.k.a attitude adjustment. LOL

Ever have one of those days when you have been fiercely stressed out all week and it continues to swell like the the bee sting on one deathly allergic to bees? When your favorite cup breaks and you're not sure you find another of the same that brings you that exact immense joy? When you start dinner and become too sick to cook the meat and you have to have your awesome husband take over? When you feel kind enough to let the dog stay out of the kennel when you leave and he absolutely destroys the trash all over and you come home to your clean floors covered in rubbish? Sigh. It has been one of those days. But really it's just a mental game, it's the battle in my mind that I'm fighting.. not all the things that have happened. Today I let myself be defeated. Today I lost the battle and I'm still currently thoroughly trying to turn my attitude around. I'm annoyed and terribly provoked for no real reason. There are people up in arms with much much more grand battles than I tonight. I am trying not to be bitter over things of the past, but some things are buried deep and tenaciously attached to my heart. So I will sip my sweet lemon tea and rummage through Pinterest in hopes of a gentle spirit and new attitude.

You're going to do what you're going to do, even if it breaks my heart. There's not much I can do about that. It will just eat you alive and misery will become your closest friend, it will never stop haunting you until you close yourself off to your sinful desires. The pain you've caused will never disappear, that scar is here for good. You should've thought twice of the love you promised so true before you stuck the knife through my chest. Now Christ is left to clean up the mess, to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, broken and torn apart. Maybe next time you'll remember me and your hearty claims of love when you play next to the fire pit. Don't fall in..

Back to the roots.

Today Matthew and I set up a clothesline. I miss the way it was growing up with my Dad, so we have gone to old roots and new habits. (Besides the dryer breaking.) It's one wonderful feeling saving money and living a bit more resourcefully off the grid. Next step will be the garden and learning how to can! I would love to get an old manual washer too and save even more on electricity. More so just that feeling of becoming self sustaining and going back to old ways of living off the land. Now if only Matt and I could have our dream farm house/cabin out in the country with some beautiful land!

Joyfully sun-kissed with new hope.. :)

Spring is beautiful beyond words; graceful and awakening. I have been so renewed, refreshed and restored with the greening of the grass and the budding of the trees today. The winter can only bring so much inclement frigid ruin! Spring has just reached out and stirred my heart, and awoken new life within; the second wind; restoration of the soul. Praying for new life within all of you this evening, that you may be so deeply stirred to restoration and passionate new beginnings!

Nothing like a good old Iowa thunderstorm to soothe the soul. Isn't it ever so interesting how we find peace in the midst of a storm, how we attain peace and quiet from a loud robust thunderstorm? There is nothing quite like hearing the babble of the rain resonating on your rooftop. I must admit that I still catch myself leery of the blatant and rambunctious thunder that always instills a healthy fear/respect for lightening and the power it beholds. I miss North Dakota summer thunderstorms at Grandma's. Nothing, absolutely nothing beats waking up to the thunder on a warm but cool summer night and standing by the window sill admiring the storm rolling through over the fields with such might and grace. I am and forever will be a country girl at heart! The mountains are majestic and wondrous, but North Dakota is the one place I would move to in a heartbeat. It's the one place I feel at home forevermore. I definitely cannot wait until I get to go see my Daddy here this summer/fall. After his stroke I have just been so much more in tune with myself and my heart. It really did a number on me and restored as well as transformed some things within. I have been meaning to blog lately but just haven't gotten around to it. I hope your night is well and relaxed, or your morning very joyful and abounding in peace of mind and heart!

Prayers please:

Not sure as of how many read this blog, but if you come across this would you please keep my father and those affected in your prayers! Please and very much thanks! Trying to figure everything out right now is hard with a broken heart. I personally need prayers on guidance and the right words to be said at the right time and to have the strength that my dad and sister need right now. Love you all very much and don't ever take cherished time for granted, you never know when that time will run up. Don't fear to reach out and love on family, friends and people who are in need of love! It's far from silly to show love, no matter how different your love is shown.

For all you who follow and/or read this blog:

I have a new blog! I will still use this one as well, but just thought I'd update you on my new one.
http://inallthingsbeyourglory.blogspot.com/