Gone but never forgotten:

It's been 15. Fifteen days since our worlds were shaken; twisted upside down and frozen that way. I'm not sure the shock of it all has worn off for most of us or not. Personally for me, it has not. I'm still trying to process it all. I guess that Friday morning stirred up more deep questions inside then I bargained for; then I could have ever even imagined. I haven't even been able to process them or touch them with more then, "why?" It's all been a whirlwind. Different then the last but the heartbreak the same. Suffocating, overwhelming, devastating. Brokenness again, so soon? Could my heart handle this but with insanely more stress this time around? As I raw ugly sobbed face down begging God to tell me why, to show me why this had to happen again within five months of her. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was extremely angry right off the bat. This grieving cycle has been one not that I have truly been through. I have lost my own and dealt my own. Together as one, we lost him, his own. I didn't know how to do that. It's like when we got there and the words "I'm sorry" rolled out,  my brain just collapsed. I couldn't think. My heart burned and sunk into my stomach and turned to lead. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything but try to hold it all in. I wanted to scream a few choice words, to cry out loud and let the desperate ache of the new heartbreak shake my core.


It's been 64. Sixty-Four days since part of our hearts stopped beating. Since the memories have become fonder and more tender in our heads. Since our souls have continually searched for answers to end the longing and aching of our hearts and heads. My brain hasn't stopped spinning. The thoughts have only been silenced by the overwhelming financial burden on our shoulders. One wave after another. I'm slowly learning how to surf.. Testing the waters more each day. Just when I think I can stand up on the board a storm rolls in. The wind picks up. I come crashing down. Terrified I'll sink. Sometimes I choke on the water and it burns, it hurts, I fear I'll drown. I cling to the board with all I have for as long as I can until the storm has passed and I crawl back up and lay down for a while. I feel as if those 64 days are a lie. I can not for the life of me figure out how that much time, minutes and hours have gone by since you have left us. It feel like it has only been a week. It feels like it's been a year. My brain is still foggy. One day at a time.

I cut my hair off 6 months ago:

I was tired of many things that come with long hair. I mean if Matthew rolled over on it in bed I was trapped and that was never fun, haha. I am most definitely ready for length again, but my thyroid says otherwise. Blah. 

Well it has definitely been a hot minute since I've said much on here.

Here's hoping to blogging more in the future. It's also nice to have a computer again.. the last one may have been crushed behind the drivers seat in the midst of a fast driver swap out last time I was in North Dakota. *sigh* I should have remembered and said something! But there were far more mind consuming things happening at the moment. Maybe I'll post about that at some later point. Maybe I won't because it's still such a sore subject. I am looking forward to Morel season here in Iowa! I can't stand ticks but I love mushroom hunting. How I went so long without it in my life has me boggled. Anywho, check back for updates.