I love finding some lovely gems on YouTube. Here are these two ladies with wonderful voices, love the harmony!

Love runs deep.. or just runs away, either way it's here to say..

It's strange when someone asks of you what they're not willing to do themselves. Don't they wonder if maybe you feel the same way? Or maybe you've just fought through it and fixed the issue instead of thinking they needed to fix their self. Why would you want someone to work at something that you don't care to take care of in your own life and have just been letting go of for your own person.

Well dear old friend, we meet again. Not as friendly as I once thought you had been. But then again, life changes and tastes come and go. That place where desperately tired meets wide awake and you end up incredibly irritated and annoyed. I find it quite something that I can be ''falling'' asleep tired and still some nut job part of me or my body is fighting it and having issues submitting to the gentle warm lull of the blankets, the quiet sound abyss of my dreaming and the cool comfort of the soft pillow beneath my head. Dear self, move on! The sun has set and it's time to sleep! At least I have a magical, beautiful Christmas tree to stare at while my eyelids grow heavy. Until then.. sweet dreams to all.

Super nervous! I can't stand waiting.. so nerve wrecking! Waiting for a call and also to go into a doctors appointment here in about 20 minutes. My stomach is doing crazy flips right now, I can't wait for this day to end. Not that it's been a bad day, just excited to get on with things. :) Hoping that tomorrow isn't the same kind of anxious. I think after my appointment I'll come home and work out then pick up the house a little and finish today's laundry.  

Random blah blahs.

Woke up in pain and took some Tylenol, a bit later I'm sick to my stomach and so emotional. I have to laugh sometimes at goofy instances in life. So might as well write down some thoughts to pass the time until this belly ache is calm enough to go lay back down in bed and drift off to sleep next to my sweet hubby. I don't think it helps drinking so much water right now, but this past week I've been equivalent to a fish. I breathe water! And constantly have to pee.. smh, haha. I am so excited for the future. I know it can be quite nerve wrecking and scary at some moments, but I know that if I put my whole heart into it even with if I'm not best equipped for all situations that He will give me all I need to accomplish what needs to be done. :) Ha! Rereading this it sort of sounds like I'm expecting. Pffffft, nooooooo. I am just ready for summer because of future things, but I am ready for snow weather wise! Yahoo answers is so entertaining, not a clue why, but it is.

I wish people would make up their minds. It's hard on a person when they think you should A then later it's B, then maybe A, no wait.. it's definitely B. Just kidding, we all knew it was that you were supposed to be doing C the whole time. Cool. It's tiring and emotionally irritating. I get set on one way then it's ripped out from underneath and I have to readjust and learn to 'love' the next and master that. It can get a little stressful too. Especially when I literally cannot do what is being asked to be done because of a road block that I can't fix, which then is expected to be fixed no matter what and anything that remotely makes me joyful is put on hold for the time being again.. Fine, I'll find that nowhere to be found way to get it done but you can't change your mind ONCE again. I feel slightly embarrassed that I keep telling myself and trying to make myself believe that life is actually to enjoy just to be let down harder and harder each time. *sigh* I guess that's just the way the ball rolls. I just thought that somewhere along the line I would get to do, partake or be part of something that truly makes me happy; joyful. Maybe one day, maybe one day that day will come, until then I will just have to try to readjust what makes gives me joy and try to change my perspective on things. -_-

Wedding flutterflies in my tummy! :)

I don't even know how to describe the emotions I'm feeling right now, 11 days until Matthew and I's wedding!! It's so crazy, and so good. So so good. I love it all so very much; such a blissful time in my life. I have to refrain myself from playing dress up. I really cannot wait to wear my dress!!!! I can't believe I'm marrying the love of my life and my best friend. I never would have believed things would be this good or have gone like this 3 years ago when we first talked.

So this is what it's like to breathe again

First off, I really don't enjoy the 'new look' of blogger. Anyway, I hate coming down with something only enough to make you borderline useless. I much, much rather just come down with something all the way and be out of the game for a while then just still in the game but too weak and exhausted to do anything productive. Yet in spite of the way I feel I managed to do some deep cleaning. I also worked out some today in attempts to gain some energy, but it didn't do much good. I've been clinging to Emergen-C Immune plus and vitamin C to fight whatever it is. Maybe it is just exhaustion? Or maybe I really am sick, but just full on in a mild way.. it's certainly how I feel. I just need rest. Except I still plan on going to the gym tonight, haha. Ahhh, the wedding is closing in fast! I'm oh so happy and nervous, but only nervous about all the details going smoothly though and people being happy with the way the wedding turned out. Which bothers me, all because that's not what the wedding is about. It's about two people becoming one through God with God as our foundation. It's not about the decorations. Must get that through my head, who cares if people like the over all look of the wedding or not, that's not what I'm doing it for. I haven't blogged in forever and maybe because I haven't had any time for it whatsoever. I've been a heck of a busy bee! But now I'm so much less stressed, but still trying to adjust to not going to work in itself is kind of stressful. I love that we have internet now! SO helpful, so very nice. I think a walk tonight would fare me well with some fresh air. Well, that's all I have for now.

There's a God shaped hole in all of us.

I have it all at my finger tips, but I still act as if I have nothing at all. It's about time that some things are let go of. I think that sometimes I just don't realize just how crazy blessed I am. I have so many great things in my life, but I tend to be quite good at overlooking them at times. I am forever grateful for every single blessing big and small! Even when things fall apart, crumble or get rough it's still the best to me. So many thoughts going on up in this head of mine. I can't believe that in t-minus 4 months and 5 days I will be a married woman! It catches me off guard sometimes, but not in a negative way. :) I am really excited to marry my bestfriend and the love of my life.. I can't wait! Stuck together forever! Muahahaha :) We have been having a delightful visit here in CO. I don't ever want to go back, but I can't wait to go home either. I guess with all the negative experiences in Iowa I'm just a tad bit tired of being there.. It feels good to be back where everything feels right. I am terrified to open this new chapter in my life, but I know I will be alright with a beautiful God and a faithful, crazy loving man by my side. I am just ready to get a few things over and done with so that I can enjoy the rest. It's awesome knowing that when we leave here soon it will only be about two weeks until my Mom, Sister, Maisey and hopefully Cassidy come up to Iowa for a visit and tons of wedding stuff! I'm ridiculously tired and it's just about 3 in the morning. Gah, it is bedtime now. Goooooooodnight.

I'll be in Colorado six days from now.. lifes good.

I cannot wait for Matthew and I's first trip to Co. It may be only be 3 days there, but it will be an incredible 3. I am pretty stoked to see my lovely friends get married too while were there! It's always so much easier driving a 16 hour drive with two people. Were leaving thursday after Matthew gets home from work.. this girl is ridiculously pumped to head up that way! Everything is so joyful and exciting lately. Anywho, back to all my cleaning, then baking my hunny some delish treats then workout, then more laundry. Hope whoever is reading this is having a lovely day! :)

We've all been through things alike and share more then you realize.

No one should talk down on someone, because you don't know that you're not going through the same exact things or have gone through what each other has been through. We're all at different points in our lives, but that doesn't mean that you or someone else won't succeed in something. Just because you've seen someone struggle absolutely does not mean that they can't make it through it or claim it as a victory. You may be exactly where I was or am, or vise versa. Life is hard, things get tough, and that's why we should be lifting people up and offering a helping hand not extending negative input and discouraging words. You can make a quick assumption to just turn out looking like a fool if you don't first assess the whole situation and read the whole story first before forming your final judgement. And I am talking about real judging, not the boohoo only God can judge me stuff. Which is crap.. We come to judgements every day. It's part of life and it's not wrong, we just go about things selfishly most times and people get hurt/offended and thus statement about only God can judge me was created. But I just advise you all to stop and with a tender, caring heart take a look around and think about how many different possibilities there are without snapping to an abrupt conclusion about someone or something. I know I have definitely been doing a lot more with compassion, passion, love and patience.

This is how it starts, lightening strikes the heart.. it goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun.

It's funny how everything gets worse then just makes things so much better; how everything is falling into place and I couldn't be happier. It's perfectly imperfect and incredible. I am loving this feeling, this exhilarating impression. What a keen sensitivity I have to my heart and all it's experiencing now.. All things good, pure, lovely, worthy and honorable. "I've never seen it; I found this love.. I'm gonna feed it, you better believe, I'm gonna treat it better than anything I've ever had." I feel so full of hope, joy, peace, love, did I mention love? ;) God is just so good! I am in awe. I have this insanely positive upbeat view on everything right now. I love dreaming! Even when you fall and nothing seems to be going right, you just start dancing to your own song, your very own beat and somehow it's the best you've ever had, the best dance you've ever tapped along to; the perfect song! It is so powerful to make the best out of every dark night, to make a dance out of every step, take every splinter and build a bridge out of it. I wouldn't trade a single piece of my life for anything. I can't wait for summer! I can't wait to be his bride! I can't wait to just grow old together each and every day, best friends, lovers forever, forever.. I am ridiculously stoked to just embrace all my new adventures in this journey!! Bad and good! It's sad, really sad to see some people so caught up on things they should just put down and walk away from. It breaks this heart of mine. Try. Try. Try as I might I can't pull you out of this mud if you burry your hands by your side and force a smile.. When all you are is aching and busting to the last pieces inside. I never stop praying for you, never stop reaching out hoping that maybe this time around you'll have had enough to fight for your life; for your bruised and broken heart and realize that it will only get better after the first step out from under your thunder. Time hurts, it heals, it's bitter-sweet but much needed. I can't wait for the day you're free.. the day you finally embrace His love. Love will never leave you alone.

Day 10: Getting rid of this weight and eating right rambling.

Today is day 10 of eating right and p90x. In the first 7 days I lost 5.8lbs. I am a day behind, because of some terrible back spasms that I had yesterday and couldn't do much at all. I've only had those happen about 3 times in my whole life, strange. The other night was so nice, so warm and Matt also had the night off. So what better then go for a walk or two. :) I love just walking and talking. We walked a mile in a half, then came home did p90x then after dark we went again and did another 3 miles. It just feels so much better on your body eating right and working out on a steady normal routine. I know I'm only 6lbs down, but there are many, many more to come! I am ready for change! I get quite antsy that this takes time to achieve, but I have to know that it will come with time and habit. And with that, I have to just give it my all, my very best and relax and enjoy the journey!

On the way to the new me.

Today's the fourth day. I can tell that I'm going to get some really good results from these changes. It's nothing short of tough; nothing short from challenging. But that's what gets you places, when you challenge yourself. You get growth if you don't give up. You have to stand up sometimes and say, ''I'm tired of where I'm at and I just don't care anymore, I have to make changes." And nothing else comes close in comparison when you're headed to your goals. When it gets tough you reach down inside, you dig if you need to and pull out what it takes to get you through; through the changes and all. I know I'm getting stronger with each day but I kind of want to just scream when 6am rolls around, lol. Day one was pretty miserable but in a good kind of way, if that makes sense. Like you're being tortured, but you secretly love every bit of it. ;) I enjoy pushing myself for once.. hopefully I can just enjoy it more in other areas too! I was really dreading P90X but now that I've started it, I'm in love. I know.. It's a twisted love, but it's our love. ;) Teeheehe. I feel so amazing after cutting out soda and sugar. I know cold turkey wasn't how I wanted to do it, but that's just my flesh desire talking. I love bubbly drinks, so therefor I love the way it feels drinking soda. I have not the slightest idea why, I just do. I know it's for the best. I knew I would feel so much better eating all healthy and cutting out all the sugary, processed, fatty--bad for you foods. Because I haven't always eaten crap. It's more so that it is so convenient to just grab something on the go. I lie, it's really only more 'easy' if you think about it. It's just as quick to whip up a healthy lunch really. Tuna/chicken wrap in lettuce with fat free cottage cheese? Or just a salad and a piece of fruit that literally takes 3 minutes to throw together in a to-go container and give it a shaking to mix it all up if desired? Even cooking supper only takes 13 minutes if you have your fish or meat pre-thawed. Which I know it's so terribly hard to take it from the freezer and set it into the fridge the day before.. then take it out 30 minutes before you plan to cook it. (Give or take on the time out) So hard, right? Yeah.. not so much so. Anyways healthy new eating plan is going great! At first it was challenging to figure out how to cook things without butter or oil, but you research and you learn and I've found some great substitutes so far! I'm loving this! I have so much more vibrant energy. I just feel so much better inside. I can tell the difference so much that it is honestly really scary what we all put in our bodies. That alone prompted me to change my junk food ways. It's been brutal, my whole body is feeling it each day so far, the worse part is feeling the pain and burn in my thighs when using the toilet. Meh. Haha. Overall it's really not just a physical thing and a heart thing, it's very much so a mind thing too. You have to redo all your routines, thought patterns and desires in your head. You have to beat yourself into submission. You that know the bible will understand what part I'm pulling that from. It is a renewal, a transformation of me if you will.

Rediscovering me.

I don't dream as often as I used to; as I should. I have let go of passions I once let burn ever so bright. I thought I had reasons as to give them up and reasoned away why so many things have changed. I have just hit this spot, this moment where I have nothing left to lose. I will dream again. I will dream bigger then me and work towards them.. That's what life should be right? Why should I live a dormant, still and stale life? I shouldn't, none of us should. I'll give it my best and forget the rest. I will start enjoying so much more then I have been. Let the passion arise and burn bright.. Here's to a fully alive and enjoyed life. Life's too short not to live to the fullest!

Completely fitting for two of the best/worst friendships I've ever had...

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think i'm bulletproof, but i'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why..

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day
Well I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what i'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why..

Why..do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside
Why..do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why
Why, tell me why

I take a step back, let you go
I told you i'm not bulletproof
Now you know


------------------------------------


All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no, oh

You're not sorry no no oh

You had me crawling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no oh

You're not sorry, no no oh


---------------------------------



I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie,
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see.
Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn't work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know it's never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can't,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

It's two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it's not easy,
Easy for me.
It's two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain't easy,
Easy for me.

To you, doubts are that you'll read this, but if you ever do, this is for you.

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”
― Nicholas Sparks

That feeling you get deep down inside when you're about to do something that needs to be done, but nothing in you thinks you can handle actually doing it. :S

Random pictures :)

It's the bitter-sweet symphony.

I’m so glad things are over. I never thought it would end like this. I just want to say thank you for actually caring at some point and for that split second too less for putting your whole heart in no matter the cost.

But a weight is gone, that’s been there too long.