Once again.. just another day, but once again. Sometimes I wish I could just design my own world, it would be lovely, wouldn't it? To customize the things we have no control over? Make the world a better place? Open the eyes of the blind? Yeah yeah, dreamer dreamer, lay down your head they say. Isn't life meant to thrive and dream, to reach beyond the unreachable and leave a mark that will never be forgotten? To push past the limit they say you cannot make it to!

I don't know what's wrong with me this year. This winter has just been brutal for me health wise. It's been illness after illness it seems and now I can feel a sore throat coming on and I have a slight fever. I hope it's just a random sore throat that goes away. I don't want yet another cold considering everything else has seemed to whoop my butt this season. I guess we can't all be lucky all the time. I'm exhausted and I know I should be sleeping, but I just am not in the mood for sleep. I want movies, cuddles and to just feel better. I don't know if I'm ready for tomorrow to come, but ready or not it's going to happen so I best just suck it up and make the very best of it. I would write in my journal, but blogging is just so much easier tonight.

Wedding Photos!

My love and I got married on the 20th of October 2012!

 

It's still strange having a new last name. I caught myself trying to write my maiden name on a test in class today! Now don't get me wrong, I love my new last name, but after all.. I had one and only that one last name for 21 years and fell in love with my last name. It was very dear to me, and still seems to be, which may be why I feel a bit bitter about losing it. Madison Marie LeMay. I miss it still and am wondering when I'm going to get used to being Madison Marie Cossel? It bothers me that I am still not used to it! Am I the only one that has had this happen? Surely not, but I feel bad that I miss my maiden name more then I'm enjoying my new married name. *sigh* I hope that soon I start to embrace it and let go of the old. I love how supportive my family is with my dreams and choices in life! They always have my back and loads of encouragement and cheers to go along with it! It's very inspiring and uplifting. It has really helped solidify my confidence in making the right choices despite the odds.

Yay for having a dire need of more Gatorade at one in the morning.. The hubs already brought me some home earlier but now he is asleep and I'm not going out to get any.  :( I sincerely hate being sick with a passion. I have such a terrible time drinking water when I'm sick, it's like my body rejects anything that's not Gatorade! I hope this illness doesn't go past Sunday night, well technically today.

Rare common occurrence surrounds me once more; the rebirth the reawakening!

I'm standing there, that open road, bound in severity, torment and anguish. Oppressed once more, but You provide solace and reconciliation.. a remedy of offering, to restore a broken soul. A place so familiar, so sound. The dark shadowed dirt below, the billowing storm clouds up above. The fields surround me, on and on they go, the stories; the ages they know go for miles. The scent in the air of everything left unspoken, the wind thrusting about. Cold and comforting. It whips and tangles my hair. I feel it well up inside, spilling out around the edges. The lightening dashes around, the thunder's mighty roar. Filling up every empty space, consuming every thought is the space in between. High strung and raw, this is now. Restoration. It's all or nothing, but nothing much at all.. I breathe in. I feel it all. Not a thing slips out, all my doubts fade. No longer can I suppress this. The rumble, the shake, the storm continues to brew. Nothing new here, just this vast openness I call home; my sanctuary, my sanity. I long to stay here, to stay here and dwell. To embrace this grace, this presence. To dance in the beauty. Comes now the awaited, the rain at my feet. Eyes closed. Fully aware. Every breathe better then the next. Acknowledging each cold wet drop on my face. The cleansing, the wash.. Forever omnipotent, forever faithful. Something fierce, grand, ever so profound.. are You, You are. I never want it to stop. I lay down, in my dress on that cold dirt road and sink away into euphoria. Next thing I know I wake up. I just lay there in the dark waiting to return. It's departure is bitter, something ever so sour. I close my eyes in tastes of the last few drops as it briskly blurs away, far away from me, until next time. No sense in fighting, just wait your return. Forever longing your arrival...

I'm so overly excited for Monday! I got everything I needed today and can't wait to experience a new chapter in my life. I am ridiculously stoked for summer and all the adventurous shenanigans it will hold! Plus the warmth! I love going for evening walks, it's one of my most favorite things to do as the sun is setting. This bitter cold doesn't make walks that fun. Colorado was a different story though, it's a warmer kind of winter there then here or North Dakota for that matter. I often think about the ten foot tall snow man that Cassidy, my Sister and I made that crazy winter. I put the picture from the newspaper up on Facebook, but I can't find it anymore. Too tired to go on. Blah blah blah.

With love.. xoxo

I can't believe that I've been married for two months and two weeks today. It basically feels like it was only yesterday and that it's been more like four months. I go through our pictures and just swoon over the feeling! Which I STILL need to put those up on Facebook! Procrastination really consumes me all too well sometimes. It's still tender looking at the wedding photos too though, some sour things have happened between friendships during and in the following months after the wedding as well.. Which may be why I haven't put the photos up yet. It's crazy how I can feel head over heels in love when I am looking through them and still it's like salt on an open wound at times too. I'm learning how to enjoy looking through them and  to reminiscence about that day without it leaving such a bitter taste in my mouth. People are people and sometimes things don't work out; people can be cold and ugly sometimes and that's just life. I need to not let someones cold hearted actions ruin my beautiful life and splendid memories. New years was nice, Matt and I stayed in and watched a movie, had one heck of a first new years kiss at midnight then made it a little more into the movie and decided we were too tired to finish it. So we shut it off and went to bed. Well... kind of, if you get the gist of things. Great start to the new year! ;) I can't wait until summer! Not because I don't like the snow, I love the snow! But it's just going to be such an exciting summer! I need to find a swimming buddy! I still haven't taken the tree down. I just love the lights too much! I took down all the ornaments except for the ''our first Christmas as Mr. and Mrs. one'' and the beautiful ''our 2012 wedding one'' that our lovely wedding photographer made for us! Such a sweetheart! It's so beautiful and it isn't mark-ably Christmas like so it will look great placed somewhere special for the rest of this year! I can't wait to see if another week or so reveals any more good from the medication I'm on now. It's been a little over three weeks if I recall correctly and so far I've only had one panic attack. Which is amazing in comparison to the daily ones I was having. Silly stupid anxiety! So far I have seen benefits, but I hate how now I'm wondering if I could just deal without it. I haven't been on a med other then the one prescribed for my hives about a year and a half ago for the last seven years, maybe eight. It bothers me having to be on something, but so far it seems like it has helped. Hopefully it continues to work very well. Goodnight.